I’m all about the Alien Movies–well let me take that back a few steps. I’m all about the first two films and Prometheus. They’re great. Plenty of suspense, intrigue, and horror wrapped up in the intelligence and mystery of the chilling void of space. In many ways they redefined the sci-fi genre and delved audiences deeper into the other side of space exploration–the nefarious and haunting side of the blackness of the deep and the terrors that lie within. That being said, I walked into Alien Covenant full of anticipation. What I received was an astronomical turd dropped  straight from a black hole of planetary mediocrity.

Let’s break it down.

What do you get when you take the recycled plot-line of the first Alien movie, sprinkle in sloppy script-writing, mix it with convenient inconveniences and excessive gore, and let it bake with the most incompetent crew of all time? You get Alien Covenant, the anticipated sequel to Prometheus directed by Ridley Scott.

Let me explain. First and foremost remember all the suspense and chilling awe that was in the first two Alien films? Yeah…that’s hardly anywhere to be found. The focus of this film is excessive gore-filled violence. The xenomorphs are no longer these foreboding and stealthy silent killers of haunting proportions–they’re now squirrely screeching little monkeys that jump and spin and slice like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park except with far less intelligence. Like I’m not even kidding–the Aliens are massive idiots. There’s one scene, and I kid you not, where an Alien jumps directly into the mouth of a slow moving crane and gets crushed to death. And by slow moving I mean the crane is inching towards him and he literally jumps straight into it. Another one is stabbed with a forklift–like how in the actual frick does that even happen? Of course Ridley Scott attempts to deviate our attention from this lunacy by packing in as much gruesome blood and gore as possible to the point where it’s almost satirical like a Tarantino movie. But Scott is no Tarantino and it all came off as unnecessary and distasteful.

To sum it up Xenomorphs are no longer monsters–they’re minions. They’re not scary.  They’re fantastically boring.

Moving on….

The crew of The Covenant is by far the most incompetent rag tag group of idiots on in all of science fiction history with the exception of the cast from Spaceballs. You would not believe the incredible amount of idiocy in this fim. I would love to get into spoilers to prove it—aw what the heck I will! One crew member literally blows up the landing craft–yes the entire landing craft with a shotgun just trying to kill one of the xenomorphs. Another one burns to death in his sleep, a couple is murdered while making out in the shower and others throw themselves directly into danger with the type of reckless abandon that one demonstrates when they have no hope, no training, and no common sense. The entire time my friend and I were like,

“No.

Don’t do that.

No.

Stop.

You’re an idiot.

No

No

Stop.”

I kid you not–the kids in Friday the 13th had more intelligence than these supposed combat trained scientists and colonists. The movie made me embarrassed to be human. And that leads me to the last point…

Without getting into too much detail the plot of this film (besides containing more holes than a Michael Bay movie) is almost identical to the first Alien movie–like did anyone else notice that but me?

  1. The crew picks up a strange signal coming from a distant planet
  2. They visit the planet
  3. They discover these strange eggs.
  4. A creature comes out of the egg and latches on to a human host.
  5. They bring the host back into the ship
  6. The creature inseminates the host
  7. An Alien is conceived onto the ship
  8. It wreaks havoc on the ship,
  9. The crew must find a ingenious and unconventional way to destroy it.

If you think I just described the plot to the first Alien movie I did. If you think there’s no way I also just described the plot of Covenant you’d be wrong because that’s exactly what I did. I honestly don’t know how they got away with it. Sure, they answered some unaccounted for questions that were posed in Prometheus but anything else was filled in with plot holes, bad script-writing, and less than desirable CGI.

The cast while diverse and skilled just doesn’t have a leg to stand on which is surprising because it has the talent, the director, and the successful franchise behind it. Something went wrong–incredibly wrong–and it will take a diagnostic team more qualified than the crew of the Covenant  to figure out just what went wrong. Overall I think it could have been the focus on the need to revolutionize a franchise that was doing just fine without changing the intrinsic nature of the horror found in the original series coupled with the lack of originality or dedication to the source material to pull off a sucessful sequal. Overall I would not recommend the film except to answer some of the unanswered questions found in Prometheus or if you’re just a really hardcore fan of the franchise. If you are you might be disappointed. If you’re not there’s really no need to see this film.

Make the covenant not to see Alien Covenant today!

Daily Diatribe Rating: 3/10